People I Like no. 6: Lance Henriksen

Here’s another ‘might not know his name – definitely know his face’ person.  A bit like me, I’m one of those guys, well to women anyway – they don’t know my name, but when they see me THEY KNOW WHO I AM.  I’ll walk past and they’ll say, “There’s Pendulum Man – he’s so dreamy!”  They call me pendulum man because of the way that my penis acts as a gigantic pendulum as I swagger past.

Anyway, Lance Henriksen (pendulum attributes pending) is one of my favourite actors, mainly because…YOU GUESSED IT!

If you didn’t, tough.

Let’s take a look at his best 18s:

Damien: Omen II - To be totally honest with you, I’ve got a freakishly large oak I don’t quite remember Lance in this one.  However, I enjoyed the film so I suppose I’ve got to put it on the list.  It’s not quite as good as the first one (18, seen), but it does have someone getting cut in half in an elevator, which of course is something definitely worth seeing.

The Terminator – I saw this when it was an 18.  It’s a 15 now.  I liked it then, hate it now.

Aliens – Mint movie, mint performance.  Aliens is my favourite ‘alien’ movie now that the first one’s been reclassified as a 15.  Aliens is absolutely amazing and the performance oh fuck shit I’ve just found out it’s a 15 now too.

It can suck it.

Near Dark – Edward Cullen can bloody rim Kristen Stewart with his quiff as much as he tossing well wants – I ent going to watch any of those Twilight films.  If I want to watch real vampire movies, I’ll watch Blade, or Blade 2, or Interview With the Vampire, or Bordello of Blood, or From Dusk Till Dawn, or Near Dark.

Near Dark is one heck of a vampire movie, even though it’s directed by that women who directed that bomb movie for kids – Shirt Licker or something.  This was back when she was good though – making movies about hard vampires who wear leather jackets and hang out in bars and are Bill Paxton.  This is what it’s all about.

BUT IF I SEE ANYMORE OF THIS:

THEN I SHALL GO FUCKING SPARE.

Pumpkinhead – Unfortunately, this isn’t a film about someone with a pumpkin for a head, but rather a weird, massive monster that runs around the woods murdering teenagers.  Basically, some reckless kids end up killing this bloke’s son at the beginning, and understandably, he’s pissed off, so he summons this demon and off it goes on its merry way to slaughter all the youths.

Henriksen plays the bloke, and as per is excellent but unusually for a film starring Lance, the real star of the show is Pumpkinhead itself.  It’s a right old ugly twat and a bit of a smarmy shit too.  But it looks cool and as I’ve always said – looking cool is everything.  Even if it means wearing boat shoes in the snow.

“I certainly looked ‘cool’ then!” I might say if I were a pillock.

The Horror Show (aka House III)This has already been covered in another ‘People I Like’ column here.  However, in this case we’re focusing on the father of the family, played by old Henners of course.

As usual, he’s ace.

Hard Target – This has Jean-Claude Van Damme in it, so it’s already sodding good.  Add to the mix a bit of L.H and you’ve got yourself a pant-ripping shit-storm that’ll felch your lights out.

Scream 3 – Again, I can’t remember Lancey Baby being in this film, but (again) I liked it so it’s on the list.  Ok, I didn’t like it that much, but it was ok.  Besides, it was an 18 – that’s quite often enough in my book.  Actually, I might start a website about it.

Abominable – You can’t seem to get this on DVD over in the UK but I’m hedging my bets that it would be an 18 if you could.  The Horror Channel said it was (but they sometimes get things wrong), so I watched it because there was no proof anywhere.  Either way a massive Bigfoot bites someone’s jaw off – box ticked.

Lucky I had a box marked ‘Bigfoot biting someone’s jaw off’.

I wrote another entry for Piranha 2: The Spawning WHICH WAS REALLY FUNNY but it’s also been reclassified so I deleted it whilst pounding my fists on the desk and ripping out my pubes, so I’m afraid you can’t read that one.

Still, what about Lance Henriksen eh?  What a ledge.

About I Only Watch 18s

I only watch 18s because I'm not some sort of pussy dickhead lightweight.
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3 Responses to People I Like no. 6: Lance Henriksen

  1. Stu Fink says:

    That’s much-loved British presenter, actor and author Quentin Willson.

  2. Johnny Chicago says:

    Lance was Cameron’s original choice for the Terminator, but when Schwarzenpecker attached himself to the project, he said “I vant to be da Tehrm-en-AY-tor” and Lance got slapped down to the role of lackey for Lt. Paul Winfield.

    (By the way, he was one of the only police officers left standing in the police station massacre scene.)

    It’s a damn shame.

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