The Ideal Way To Consume An 18 Rated DVD
So, you’ve been to HMV (hopefully you followed my instructions), or you’ve ordered online, and now you have yourself a shiny new 18 DVD. So what’s the best way to consume it? Well, I thought I’d give you some ideas by telling you how I usually consume my 18s. To make it easier, I will post how to tackle each genre – today’s is horror:
HORROR: This is my favourite type of 18, mainly because they often contain the Holy trinity of sex, violence and swearing – sometimes in abundance.
If I have bought the DVD in a shop, I will not let go of it until I get home – which makes driving a bit difficult, but at least I’ve got my priorities straight. During the journey home I will often repeatedly punch myself in the crotch whilst swearing at passers-by. Depending on my mood, I sometimes get out at the bottom of my drive, put the DVD between my bum cheeks and try and walk to the front door as fast as I can without bending my legs.
If however, I have ordered the DVD online, I will have to wait. I do not enjoy waiting, but it’s worth it to spray the fucking postman in his eyes with chilli sauce when he drops it off.
Once I have the DVD inside, I usually rip the cellophane off with my teeth whilst screaming and/or kicking a radiator. I then either flush the cellophane down the toilet with loads of toilet paper in an effort to clog the pipes, or I eat it. I stare at the DVD in silence for a few minutes before putting it in the player, at which point I will grab a pair of scissors, cut a chunk out of my hair and throw it on the floor.
I’ll usually get myself some food, preferably of the messiest type – spaghetti, lasagne, risotto – and eat it using my hands whilst occasionally flinging it across the room in a jealous rage. Every time either someone swears, someone dies, or there are tits I will jab the scissors into the sofa and shout ‘BACK OF THE NET’ or ‘SUCK IT’.
If anyone that I haven’t invited to watch the film disturbs me during it I’ll have previously prepared some sort of elastic band firing mechanism aimed at head-height, which is rigged to the door. If the elastic band misses, I will usually spit and make hissing cat noises until the unwanted intruder leaves.
Then when the film has finished I will go into the garden and stomp some flowers into the fucking ground innit.
Next time: COMEDY.