“This looks interesting, that’s Jennifer Connelly before she was famous. Oooh, she’s going to a spooky old school with a strict headmistress – exciting! Wait, what’s this? There’s a murderer going around killing people? Things are getting even more interesting now. Oh, and Jennifer Connelly can communicate with insects – ok, I’ll let that one go, I’m slightly intrigued. Oh look, there’s Donald Pleasence doing a terrible Scottish accent and talking to a monkey – actually it’s pretty much a monkey butler – fair enough. Ooooh, more murders – things are hotting up! Jennifer is sleepwalking now, uh oh – there’s some naughty men and they’ve got her in the car, oh don’t worry, they’ve thrown her down a hill – that scene was completely pointless. MONKEY BUTLER. Jennifer and Donald and Monkey Butler have a chat. Now Jennifer is following a lightning bug and what’s this? She’s found a glove with maggots in it. Now she’s following a fly and she meets a scarily inappropriate estate agent lurking around a house with a severed hand in it. What’s going on? Who cares! Oh shit! Mad woman! Fire! Child who looks like the Predator! Maggots! MONKEY BUTLER! SPEARS! BOY ON FIRE IN LAKE! MONKEY BUTLER WITH RAZOR! FLIES! MAGGOTS WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON EVERY SINGLE SCENE SEEMS COMPLETELY POINTLESS AND UNRELATED TO THE NEXT ACTUALLY THIS FILM IS SHIT BUT IS IT GOOD AT THE SAME TIME MAYBE BUT PROBABLY NOT.”
Oh yeah, erm – SPOILER ALERT.
So Dario Argento’s 1985 ‘masterpiece’ has just got a re-release on DVD courtesy of Arrow, with all the juicy cuts reinstated. Therefore I felt now would be the perfect time to finally get around to watching it.
Although it probably was the best time to watch it, it didn’t really help because I didn’t really like it. It all started off well but it went slowly downhill all the way until the absolutely incomprehensible end. I’ve often found that a film can be great all the way up to the end but if it finishes on a bad note, I’m always left with a nasty taste (probably doesn’t help that I often buttercup farts into my own mouth during movies) and I end up hating the film.
Now I wouldn’t say I hated Phenomena, because it definitely had its good points. These were:
- Dario Argento flung his camera about like a madman as usual.
- The music was fucking awesome.
- THE MUSIC WAS FUCKING AWESOME.
- Jennifer Connelly could communicate with insects.
- There were two pretty good decapitations.
- THE MUSIC WAS GRADE-A BIG-TOWN RINSE-OUT DICK-SLEEVE BUTTER-ME-SENSELESS AWESOME.
However, there were also bad points:
- As much as I am in love with Jennifer Connelly now, her acting was not great back in the day.
- The audio kept switching from English to Italian without my fucking permission (I hope this was a problem with either my screener, or the DVD player).
- Someone burns to death WHILST SWIMMING IN A LAKE.
- Many scenes are entirely redundant.
- I HAD ABSOLUTELY NO I-FUCKING-DEA WHAT THE SHIT WAS HAPPENING AT THE END.
So there we have it – make up your own minds as to whether you might want to see this. You don’t have to listen to me. You can go ahead, live your own lives and ignore my advice – so carry on, swank around the place with scant regard for the feelings of everyone else why don’t you? Fuck around larging it like Pussy Big Bollocks, striding about like you own your own pair of fancy pants. Stonk it the fuck up like a stinking large-arse, rimming it up and down like a pint of I’m the best. Rinse it the big’un with a face like you don’t give three shits whose tits you’re fisting. Buss it up like the grand king of plonkers stiffying it up with the big boys, go on, no-one’s looking.
I’ll give Phenomena 4 18s out of 10 BECAUSE THE MUSIC WAS FUCKING AWESOME.