At the end of the screening for Drive Angry 3D I spent quite a while looking for the ‘like’ button on my seat so that I could press it. This is because I ‘liked’ Drive Angry 3D a great deal – I even said out loud “Where’s the ‘like’ button for that? Because I want to press it.” No-one laughed but then they did when the lights came on because they saw my ceps peeking out from underneath my T-Shirt and they didn’t want to antagonise me. Don’t blame them to be honest.
Anyway, if you hadn’t gathered from the shit introduction above – I thought Drive Angry 3D was really good.
The film is about Nicolas Cage and he’s been in Hell or some shit and there’s some ‘accountant’ and he’s killing people but also looking for Cage but Cage is looking for his granddaughter who’s been kidnapped by some cult leader knobhead who’s also killing people and also Amber Heard
is a lesbian is along for the ride and then there are some explosions and guts. I think from this description you can decide if you will like it or not (HINT: You will).
I’ll watch Nicolas Cage in anything (rating in mind of course) and although he’s been in some bona-fide rinse-wranglers (good), he’s also been in some stinky winky turd-eaters (bad). But then again, I liked Bangkok Dangerous and everyone else hated it. But I’m not bothered because in my world everyone else can suck it because I couldn’t give eight fisting fucks about sodding shit-all bollocks.
So obviously it’s good because it’s got Nic Cage in it and if I were a film critic I would write something about his hair because that’s what funny film critics write about but instead I’m going post a picture of a willy water-pistol because I’m childish (and/or subversive):
But it’s not all about Cagey baby oh no! It’s also got Amber Heard in it who I really fancy and will convert back to straightaism with a swift swing of the cock if she’s not careful. She plays a sexy waitress who punches men in the face because she is a ‘strong female protagonist’ and the only way to show this is by having her punch men in the face. She also wears hotpants.
Then we’ve got William Fichtner, who is possibly the best thing in it. He hasn’t been in too many 18s but hopefully after Drive Angry 3D, all this will change. He plays ‘The Accountant’ – which is basically some bloke from Hell who has to chase Cage and take him back whilst also being in possession of a pointy chin. Either way, he’s pretty mint in all areas.
THERE ARE ALSO SOME TITS IN IT – EXTRA POINT.
I liked Drive Angry 3D, and most of the people at the screening seemed to as well. It might have been because I was a bit pissed (sorry to the woman on my row whose foot I accidentally stepped on), but then they had given me a free Fosters (ADD THAT TO THE FUCKING 10 PINTS I’D RAT-ARSED DOWN MY NECK AN HOUR BEFORE WHY DON’T YOU). I’d like to see it sober but it probably wouldn’t have been as good.
Basically, to sum it up – if you like explosions and tits and Nic Cage then chances are you’re going to like this film. You’re also invited to my next birthday party. There will be tits and explosions there, but no Nic Cage.
After the film had finished, there was a woman with a clipboard outside and she could obviously see my erection because she asked me if I would like to be on the television advert for the film. I am extremely photogenic so I thought this would be a good idea, but ufortunately I couldn’t stop saying ‘It was a good 18’ so I don’t think they’ll use me. The guy behind the camera kept trying to make me say ‘It was a cool ride’ but I’m not an idiot so I couldn’t say it with any conviction, so instead I tried ‘it was in your face’ which I thought was quite a good tactic but only time will tell whether I make it on there.
Although I doubt they’ll use the bit where I undid my flies and started pissing down my leg.
I’ll give Drive Angry 3D 8 18s out of ten.
P.S. I think that the title is really good. You don’t get enough nonsensical titles like that in the cinema. Let’s hope Patrick Lussier keeps up the good work – here are some suggestions for your next one Pat:
Suck Hard 3D
Shit Painful 3D
Fuck Quick 3D
Down Heavyweight 3D
Piss Everywhere 3D
Punch the Desk Frustrated 3D
Wank Upset 3D
Finger Minge Secret 3D
Elbow Anus Confusion 3D
Premature Ejaculate Awkward 3D
Bum-Eye Press Amusing 3D
G-Spot Search Quit 3D
15 DVD Snap Happy 3D
JUST A FEW IDEAS – GIMME A RING. LATERS.