Shocker (1989)

Shocker is written and directed by Wes Craven (the guy behind countless awesome 18s like A Nightmare on Elm Street, Scream and The Hills Have Eyes), therefore it should be good.  However, whereas it started off rather fantastically – I even said out loud ‘I love this kind of movie’ – it actually ended up being a bit of a

***NEWSFLASH NEWSFLASH***

*We interrupt this review to bring you an urgent news story.  It has been brought to our attention that a gigantically shit pun is headed to this area.  It can be expected imminently and those averse to crap wordplay must stay away from any computer in their immediate vicinity – you have been warned*

***END OF NEWSFLASH***

shocker.

It’s about a mental serial killer called Horace Pinker who’s targeting families at random and killing them all.  Quite early on, an annoying football jock has a dream about watching Final Destination about the killer murdering his family.  IT COMES TRUE.  Then somehow, the kid works out how to have these premonition dreams and leads the police to Pinker’s next murder before it even happens.  So the cops capture him and sentence him to the electric chair. Continue reading

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I Only Watch 18s Book Club: If Chins Could Kill

Unfortunately, not actually about a killer chin, or even about someone with a killer chin.  Also, the title makes out that chins can’t actually kill, when they clearly can, see below:

Pretty sure his chin could kill.

Anyway, erroneous title aside – If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B-Movie Actor is actually a very good book.  It’s Bruce Campbell’s (of various quality 18s like The Evil Dead (18, seen), Evil Dead II (18, seen), Maniac Cop (18, seen), Intruder (18, seen), Darkman (18, seen), Mindwarp (18, seen) and From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (18, seen)) biography and it’s quite funny. Continue reading

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I am a Happy Chappy

So I was doing my morning browse of the BBFC website, and I came upon this:

If you haven’t spotted it, we’ll just do a little zoom-in:

 

 

YUMMY YUMMY YUMMY I’VE GOT LOVE IN MY TUMMY

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The I Only Watch 18s Mega Oscars Post

So it’s the Oscars soon and to be honest I COULDN’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK but some people that like films seem to care about them, so just for them I’m going to give my opinion on the nominations.  And as we all know, my opinion is the only one that counts.

Insert childish dildo joke here

Continue reading

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18 related anecdote no. 36

Do you ever get it where you have a dream that lasts all night?  Even when you wake up and go back to sleep, it still continues?  Well I had one of them last night, and it was all about writing a hilarious post for this site – I think I even woke up laughing at one point.  All night I couldn’t wait to get up and write it.

When I woke up I realised it had been about Harry Potter.

I’m booked in for the doctor’s at three.

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I Only Watch 18s Book Club: The Golden Age of Censorship

I normally don’t read fiction books – I usually limit myself to non-fiction books about films (obviously), swearing and/or ghosts.  However, The Golden Age of Censorship is fiction, but it is also about films (with particular emphasis on 18s) and it has swearing in.  I was about to write about how it didn’t have any ghosts in, but then I realised that it actually bloody does – this made me laugh.  Not audibly, I sort of shrugged my shoulders and I smiled – the kind of smile that if anyone caught me doing it on the bus might think I was a bus perv, but in the context of my bedroom is slightly less malicious.  Or maybe more.  It doesn’t help that I’m naked and have a knife in my hand I suppose. Continue reading

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Turns out ‘Wake Wood’ isn’t about morning erections

I thought it was.

It’s actually about dead cows and stuff.

And if that’s not something to give you a morning erection then I don’t know what is.

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I Only Watch 18s is on Twitter.

If you can’t get enough of I Only Watch 18s or maybe you just can’t be bothered to read the really long posts on the main site (frigid), then follow me on Twitter.

http://twitter.com/ionlywatch18s

TRUST ME WHEN I SAY YOU WON’T REGRET IT.

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18 related anecdote no. 35

I fancied going to the cinema tonight, so I went on my local cinema’s website to check the listings.  This is what I saw:

127 Hours
(15 – 1:35 mins)
12:05pm, 2:25pm, 5:05pm, 7:30pm, 9:55pm
Animals United (Konferenz der Tiere)
(U – 1:33 mins)
11:50am, 2:20pm
Black Swan
(15 – 1:50 mins)
11:25am, 2:00pm, 4:35pm, 7:25pm, 10:00pm
Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader, The
(PG – 1:53 mins)
11:30am, 2:00pm, 4:40pm, 7:25pm, 10:00pm
Dilemma, The
(12A – 1:58 mins)
11:15am, 2:05pm, 4:40pm, 7:25pm, 10:05pm
Green Hornet 3D, The [REAL D 3D]
(12A – 1:48 mins)
11:00am, 1:40pm, 4:25pm, 7:10pm, 9:55pm
Gulliver’s Travels
(PG – 1:25 mins)
12:15pm, 3:00pm, 5:15pm
Gulliver’s Travels 3D [REAL D 3D]
(PG – 1:25 mins)
11:45am, 2:30pm, 4:50pm, 7:25pm, 9:40pm
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1
(12A – 2:26 mins)
12:00pm, 3:30pm, 7:30pm
King’s Speech, The
(12A – 1:51 mins)
11:10am, 2:00pm, 4:40pm, 5:10pm, 7:20pm, 7:50pm, 10:00pm, 10:30pm
Love and Other Drugs
(15 – 1:53 mins)
4:30pm, 7:10pm, 9:50pm
Meet The Parents: Little Fockers
(12A – 1:38 mins)
11:20am, 2:15pm, 4:45pm, 7:15pm, 9:45pm
Megamind
(PG – 1:36 mins)
12:00pm, 2:25pm
Morning Glory
(12A – 1:47 mins)
11:35am, 2:10pm, 4:45pm, 7:20pm, 9:50pm
Next Three Days, The
(12A – 2:12 mins)
7:30pm, 10:20pm
Ward, The
(15 – 1:28 mins)
12:20pm, 2:50pm, 5:15pm, 7:40pm, 10:05pm

I THINK YOU’LL NOTICE THAT THERE’S SOMETHING OFF ABOUT ALL OF THIS.

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18 related anecdote no. 34

So loads of HMVs are closing down (so are Waterstone’s, but I’m not that bothered about that because they sell the only books worth reading in HMV anyway), needless to say I’m not particularly happy.

I realise I’m a bit late with this story but I’ve been wining and dining this Victoria’s Secret model – we’ve been off to the Bahamas, so I’ve only just got around to writing this.  Also, I was in HMV yesterday and it reminded me.

As I have mentioned with regards to video rental shops closing down, it seems the same is happening to the retail stores.  This means that soon you won’t be able to do this – and if that’s not something worth kicking a car door in then I don’t know what is.

So as a sort of send-off to HMV, I urge you to increase the number and ferocity of your visits before it’s too late.  Yesterday I ran naked (with ‘CHASE ME DICKHEAD’ written on my back) through my local store screaming and spraying tipp-ex all over any 15s I found whilst simultaneously launching water balloons filled with dog turd at any screen showing a trailer for a non-18.

I got chased out by security but I was luckily able to escape by distracting them with a handful of cherry Tangfastics – it’s a well-known security guard weakness.  As is a kick to the groin.

So yeah, you probably won’t have long left to do stuff like this.

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